Thursday, March 11, 2010

Culinary Guide to Wizard Entrails

Many adventurous forays reach their climax with the death of an evil, unloved, or otherwise unappreciated wizard. Once said wizard transforms into a corpse, the wide-eyed murderers will quite invariably leap into the activity of looting the body and/or homeplace of the slain magician. Not so fast, adventurers! Don’t you realize that by ignoring that wizard gristle you are passing up on an opportunity for some extraordinarily good eats? Don’t be shy! Get it while it’s fresh!

 As wizards age and become more magically powerful, they also become more magically delicious. Prolonged exposure to magic results in internal, and sometimes external, changes in a wizard’s physiology. The five growths of greatest interest are:

Generic Torma Growth 
These growths are always found in the central lobes of old wizard brains. They are dense clusters of neurons used to memorize spells and forumlae - biologic flash drives, if you will. Inhaling a freshly extracted torma growth into one's sinus will increase Intelligence by 1d4 for 2d6 days.

Marple Gland
A gland that forms within the nape of the neck in wizards who have done a good deal of interdimensional travel. Consumption of a whole, dried Marple Gland will allow Astral Projection for 2d4 hours.

Nodes of Sincture
These resinous globules form inside the vitreous humours of the eyeballs of master wizzes. The swallower of one of these eye pearls will be able to Detect Magic for 1d4 days.

Glabba Sac
This black greasy sac may be found located near the liver of evil wizards. A small volume (never more than 1 milliliter) of glistening black oil may be extracted from the sac by disruption and pressing. The volume of oil extracted is dependent on the degree of heinousness of the wizard. A drop of this oil placed upon the tongue will act as a Protection From Good spell for 2d4 turns.

The Downy Pinkus
This growth manifests as a rod-like organ that floats freely in the abdominal cavities of wizards. A wizard’s Downy Pinkus grows one inch per level, so a seventh–level wizard will have a seven inch Downy Pinkus. The rubbery alabaster rod of the Downy Pinkus is covered with a smooth layer of cilia, which is where the name comes from. This organ serves as an ultraphysical antenna for transmitting magical energy. Cooking a Downy Pinkus will give it a texture much like a fuzz-covered sausage, although the organ has an odd metallic flavor. Consumption of a whole cooked Downy Pinkus will imbue the masticator with ESP abilities for a number of hours equal to organ’s length in inches.


  1. Best. post. evar.

  2. Yes, I'm laughing, grossed out, and intrigued at the same time. You are a genius.

  3. I wish I could buy those ingredients at Whole Foods.

  4. I used to just have evil wizards melt out into a drain in the floor to rise again somewhere else, Klytus style. You have made me reconsider.

    This is genius. Thank you.

  5. Can I get my wizard entrails in a PDF to go? Thanks.

    Truly, truly, awesome and disgusting stuff. I'm stealing it.

  6. Can I get my wizard entrails in a PDF to go?

    I know there's a bootleg digest-sized booklet PDF of this floating around (made by Mike Monaco). It's on my to-do list to make a dedicated PDF download page that will include this. I need to get on it - thanks for the poke!

  7. This reminds me of the stuff from Powers and Perils where I think a wizard's spit and tears could be harvested for magical purposes.

    Wish more games had crazy stuff like this...makes the world more magical.


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